were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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