don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
