Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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