Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
