go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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