Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
