So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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