I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
