The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
