Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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