Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
