remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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