i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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