I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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