In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
