The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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