I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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