I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
