we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
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he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
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I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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