Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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