I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
