I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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