I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
