I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
