So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
