True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
