So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
