Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
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We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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