hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
