I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
