I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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