Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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