So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
