He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
