I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
that's an acceptable place to lick
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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