Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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