So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
