just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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