I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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