My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
