I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
