On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
