Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
