I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
