cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
