I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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