look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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