Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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