so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
