Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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