Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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