a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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