are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
