Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
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Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
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So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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