my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He passed out mid-signature
She's the barista slut.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
