Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Randomize
