o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
