So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
