My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
please come you make the beer taste better
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.