A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?