these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
